Introduction to Funny Drunk Quotes
Nothing quite brings out the funny in people like a few too many drinks. We’ve all been there – struggling to walk straight, slurring words together, thinking we’re whispering when we’re really not. The morning after may be rough, but some of the silly things we say and do while intoxicated can give us a good laugh for years to come.
Have you ever had a few too many cocktails and said something you regretted the next morning? We’ve all been there. There’s something about a little liquid courage that makes even the most tight-lipped people hilariously unfiltered. The results are often awkward encounters and cringeworthy conversations that seem like a good idea at the time.
Luckily for us, some of the best drunken escapades have been immortalized on the internet for our enjoyment. The next time you have a rough day, just remember that at least you didn’t drunk text your ex or stumble into the wrong house. Pour yourself a drink and have a laugh at these 25 hilarious drunk quotes.
Funny Drunk Quotes
1. “I’m not drunk, I’m just intoxicated by you.”
2. “In dog beers, I’ve only had one.”
3. “Alcohol: because no great story ever started with someone eating a salad.”
4. “I’m on a seafood diet. I see food and I drink it.”
5. “I’m not an alcoholic, I’m a fun enthusiast.”
6. “I’m not drunk, I’m just drinking creatively.”
7. “I’m not drunk, I’m just speaking cursive.”
8. “I’m not drunk, I’m just helping the beer find its way to my mouth.”
9. “I don’t get drunk, I get awesome.”
10. “I’m not drunk, I’m just over-served.”
11. “Beer: helping ugly people have sex since 1862.”
12. “You can’t buy happiness, but you can buy beer, and that’s kind of the same thing.”
13. “I’m not drunk, I’m just a little sideways.”
14. “Beer is the answer. I don’t remember the question.”
15. “I’m not drunk, I’m socially lubricated.”
16. “I’m not drunk, I’m just dancing!”
17. “I’m not drunk, I’m just practicing my karaoke skills.”
18. “I’m not drunk, I’m just embracing my inner pirate.”
19. “I’m not drunk, I’m just enjoying the gravitational pull of the Earth.”
20. “I’m not drunk, I’m just experiencing enhanced sobriety.”
21. “I’m not drunk, I’m just speaking my truth loudly.”
22. “I’m not drunk, I’m just on a whiskey diet.”
23. “I’m not drunk, I’m just in my happy place.”
24. “I’m not drunk, I’m just fluent in drunkinese.”
25. “I’m not drunk, I’m just on cloud wine.”
26. “I’m not drunk, I’m just providing entertainment.”
27. “I’m not drunk, I’m just testing the laws of physics.”
28. “I’m not drunk, I’m just experiencing advanced relaxation.”
29. “I’m not drunk, I’m just exploring the boundaries of sobriety.”
30. “I’m not drunk, I’m just trying to make the floor feel loved.”
31. “I’m not drunk, I’m just an amateur astronaut.”
32. “I’m not drunk, I’m just celebrating sobriety in style.”
33. “I’m not drunk, I’m just experiencing liquid confidence.”
34. “I’m not drunk, I’m just embracing my inner superhero.”
35. “I’m not drunk, I’m just practicing my interpretive dance moves.”
36. “I’m not drunk, I’m just channeling my inner rockstar.”
37. “I’m not drunk, I’m just providing sound effects for the party.”
38. “I’m not drunk, I’m just conducting a field sobriety test.”
39. “I’m not drunk, I’m just on a tequila cleanse.”
40. “I’m not drunk, I’m just on a hydration vacation.”
41. “I’m not drunk, I’m just catching up with my liver.”
42. “I’m not drunk, I’m just a wine enthusiast.”
43. “I’m not drunk, I’m just participating in a liquid marathon.”
44. “I’m not drunk, I’m just on a beer safari.”
45. “I’m not drunk, I’m just living in the moment.”
46. “I’m not drunk, I’m just on a gin-tervention.”
47. “I’m not drunk, I’m just experiencing a beverage-based epiphany.”
48. “I’m not drunk, I’m just doing a taste test of life’s offerings.”
49. “I’m not drunk, I’m just spreading holiday cheer!”
50. “I’m not drunk, I’m just on a mission to find the lost shaker of salt.”
51. “I’m not drunk, I’m just multitasking: talking and drinking.”
52. “I’m not drunk, I’m just expressing my inner philosopher.”
53. “I’m not drunk, I’m just exploring the nuances of alcohol appreciation.”
54. “I’m not drunk, I’m just conducting a scientific study on the effects of laughter.”
55. “I’m not drunk, I’m just experiencing the joy of fermented creativity.”
Hilarious Drunk Quotes
1. The “Philosopher”
This type of drunk gets deep in thought and shares profound yet nonsensical insights. “What if the blue I see isn’t the blue you see, man?” Sure, it seems mind-blowing after a six pack, but not so much in the harsh light of day.
2. The Flirt
Liquid courage coming through! The normally shy guy at the bar is now winking, blowing kisses and doling out cringeworthy pickup lines to anything on two legs. “Did the sun just come up or did you just smile at me?” Sorry buddy, the sun set hours ago and that smile was a grimace.
3. The Drama Queen
For this intoxicated diva, every little thing becomes a tragedy of epic proportions. “I dropped my pizza! Worst day of my life. I have nothing to live for!” They cry, pout and stomp their feet like a toddler who missed their nap. Take a chill pill, have another slice and sleep it off.
From philosophical thinkers to cringey flirts to drama queens, drunk people never fail to make us laugh with their silly and over the top behavior. The next time you’re at the bar, keep an eye out for these characters and enjoy the free entertainment! But do offer to call them a cab – some things are only funny until someone gets hurt.
Hilarious One-Liners From Drunk People
When the drinks start flowing, hilarious drunken quotes are bound to follow. Here are a few funny one-liners from intoxicated people guaranteed to give you a chuckle:
2. Hilarious One-Liners From Drunk People
- “I’m not as think as you drunk I am.” This tongue twister shows just how impaired the speaker’s judgment and motor skills have become.
- “My other ride is your girlfriend.” This cheeky quip implies the person’s current drunken state has rendered them unfit to drive their usual vehicle.
- “Occifer, I swear to drunk I’m not God!” In their inebriated state, this person seems to have gotten a bit confused about their own identity and authority.
- “I don’t have an alcohol problem, I have a police problem.” Denial and deflection at their drunken finest. This type of humorous defensiveness in the face of consequences is typical of intoxicated people.
- “I’m not slurring my words, I’m speaking in cursive.” A creative excuse for impaired speech that shows an amusing lack of self-awareness.
Drunk talk often produces these kinds of silly non sequiturs, malapropisms and absurd proclamations as people lose their verbal and cognitive filters. While drunkenness lowers inhibitions, it also impairs judgment, self-control and awareness of how ridiculous some of these quotes can sound. But that’s exactly what makes them so funny and entertaining for the rest of us! Laughter is the best hangover cure, after all.
Embarrassing Drunk Stories Retold Through Quotes
We’ve all been there—a few drinks in and the embarrassing stories start flowing. Here are some hilarious drunk quotes that will have you laughing and cringing in equal measure.
“I wasn’t drunk. I was just drinking and the floor kept attacking me!”
How many times have you stumbled or tripped over your own feet after a long night at the bar? Gravity seems to hit a little harder when you’ve had one too many.
“I got so drunk last night I came home, cooked a full English breakfast then passed out on the sofa for 12 hours.”
Call it drunk cooking, call it a midnight snack—we’ve all whipped up some questionable cuisine in an inebriated state. At least this person had the good sense to pass out before they could actually eat their full English breakfast!
“Woke up this morning and my pants were on the couch. I have no idea how they got there.”
Mysteries abound the morning after a big night out. Where did your keys end up? How did the lamp in the living room get knocked over? And just how did your pants make it to the couch when you have no memory of taking them off? Some questions are better left unanswered.
“I was so drunk last night I felt ‘sober’ this morning.”
There’s nothing quite like feeling so unwell from the night before that you skip right past hungover into an almost sober-seeming state. All the usual signs are there—nausea, headache, regret—but your body and mind are so depleted you feel bizarrely clear headed. Make no mistake, the drunk is still in there!
Drunk stories, whether funny or cringey, are a hilarious part of the human experience. Share your favorites with friends, laugh about your mistakes, and take comfort in the fact that we’ve all been there at some point! But do try to avoid those mystery pants situations—no one needs that kind of confusion in their life.
Philosophical Musings Only a Drunk Person Could Come Up With
Philosophical musings are meant to make you ponder life’s deepest questions. However, when intoxicated, those ponderings often come out hilariously nonsensical. Here are a few examples of philosophical thoughts that could only come from an inebriated mind:
“If corn oil comes from corn, where does baby oil come from?”
This thought-provoking question seems like something a drunk person would find utterly perplexing and demand an immediate answer to. The sober realization that baby oil is just a name and not actually derived from babies is lost in the haze of one too many cocktails.
“Why do you drive on a parkway but park on a driveway?”
The English language is full of ironic phrases that seem perfectly logical when sober but utterly confusing when drunk. This phrase is a prime example of the type of circular thinking that leads nowhere but provides entertainment for the intoxicated mind.
“Do fish get thirsty?”
Another example of a question that seems pressing and deeply important after a few drinks but in the harsh light of day makes little sense or requires any real answer. The drunk philosopher may spend a long time debating this question with others equally under the influence.
“If money doesn’t grow on trees, why do banks have branches?”
A play on words that takes on new meaning and hilarity when inebriated. The realization that bank branches and tree branches are homonyms rather than somehow actually connected is lost in the illogical thinking of the drunk. This type of pun-inspired philosophy seems endlessly amusing and clever when intoxicated but rightly nonsensical when sober.
The deep questions of philosophy and life seem perfectly logical to explore when drunk, even if the conclusions drawn defy all reason. While entertaining at the time, most drunk philosophy is utterly absurd when viewed in the sober light of day. But that doesn’t make the experience of coming up with such ridiculous notions any less funny to remember and share with others.
Funny Drunk Quotes From Famous People Throughout History
Throughout history, famous people have been known to enjoy a drink or two and say some pretty amusing things as a result. Here are a few funny drunk quotes from well-known figures:
“I feel sorry for people who don’t drink. When they wake up in the morning, that’s as good as they’re going to feel all day.” —Frank Sinatra
The legendary singer was known for enjoying his Jack Daniels and not holding back his thoughts after a few too many.
“I drink too much. The last time I gave a urine sample it had an olive in it.” —Rodney Dangerfield
The comedian was self-deprecating about his drinking habits and incorporated it into his act.
“I don’t have a drinking problem, except when I can’t get a drink.” —Tom Waits
The raspy-voiced singer-songwriter was very open about being fond of alcohol, especially in his early days.
“I have taken more out of alcohol than alcohol has taken out of me.” —Winston Churchill
Even world leaders aren’t immune to enjoying a stiff drink and saying amusing things as a result. The former British Prime Minister was famously fond of brandy and champagne.
“I feel bad for people who don’t drink. When they wake up in the morning, that’s the best they’re going to feel all day.” — Dean Martin
Like his friend Frank Sinatra, the singer and comedian Dean Martin was part of the hard-drinking Rat Pack and known for witty drunken quips like this one.
While excessive alcohol has serious downsides, it’s hard not to chuckle at these funny drunk quotes from famous folks who clearly enjoyed indulging in spirits—and had no filter as a result! The next time you have one too many, you’ll be in good company with these amusing quotes from notable drinkers throughout history.
You’ve just read 25 of the funniest drunk quotes out there, so hopefully, you got a few good laughs out of that collection. Drunks say the darndest things, and while overdoing the booze is never a good idea, the ridiculousness that comes out of people’s mouths when they’ve had one too many will never stop being funny.
The next time you’re at a bar or party and witness someone who’s had a few too many drinks spouting nonsense or slurring some drunken wisdom, be sure to jot it down. Your collection of hilarious drunk quotes is always a work in progress! Now go pour yourself a drink, kick back, and have a chuckle or two. You’ve earned it after all this entertaining reading. Cheers!
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