Welcome, fellow joke enthusiasts and seekers of laughter! Today, we’re diving headfirst into the world of adult humor with a collection of funny dirty jokes that are sure to tickle your funny bone. Now, before you start blushing or clutching your pearls, let’s remember that laughter knows no boundaries and sometimes it’s okay to embrace our naughty side.
In this blog post, we’ll not only share some hilarious funny dirty jokes for adults but also explore the art of telling these risqué tales with finesse. So sit back, relax (if you dare), and get ready for a dose of comedic relief that will have you chuckling in no time. But hey, make sure there are no sensitive ears around because things are about to get cheeky!
The best 500 dirty jokes for adults
Looking to add some spicy humor to your adult conversations? Look no further! We’ve compiled a list of the best dirty jokes that are sure to tickle your funny bone and leave you in stitches. These jokes may not be suitable for all audiences, so proceed with caution!
1 Every man has one. It feels great when you blow it and if you’re not careful, it may drip. What is it? A nose.
2 “Give it to me! Give it to me!” she yelled. “I’m so wet, give it to me now!” She could scream all she wanted, but I was keeping the umbrella.
3 Two men broke into a drugstore and stole all the Viagra. The police put out an alert to be on the lookout for the two hardened criminals.
4 They say that during sex you burn off as many calories as running eight miles. Who the hell runs eight miles in 30 seconds?
5 Why do walruses love a Tupperware party? They’re always on the lookout for a tight seal.
6 I’ll admit it, I have a tremendous sex drive. My girlfriend lives 40 miles away.
7 Who’s the most popular guy at the nudist colony? The one who can carry a cup of coffee in each hand and a dozen donuts.
8 Two men broke into a drugstore and stole all the Viagra. The police put out an alert to look for the two hardened criminals.
9 What’s the difference between kinky and perverted? Kinky is when you tickle your girlfriend with a feather; perverted is when you use the whole bird.
10 How do you make a pool table laugh? Tickle its balls.
11 What is Moby Dick’s dad’s name? Papa Boner.
12 Why does Santa Claus have such a big sack? He only comes once a year.
13 Two sperm swimming side by side were having a conversation. One sperm asked the other, ‘‘How far till we reach the fallopian tubes?” The other replied, “Not sure, but we just passed the esophagus.”
14 What’s the difference between a Greyhound terminal and a lobster with boobs? One is a crusty bus station, and the other is a busty crustacean.
15 What do a penis and a Rubik’s Cube have in common? The more you play with it, the harder it gets.
16 What do you call two jalapeños getting it on? Fucking hot!
17 What do you call someone who refuses to fart in public? A private tutor.
18 What do boobs and toys have in common? They were both originally made for kids, but daddies end up playing with them.
19 What did the O say to the Q? Dude, your dick’s hanging out.
20 What did the sanitary napkin say to the fart? You are the wind beneath my wings.
21 What did the hurricane say to the coconut tree? Hold on to your nuts, this ain’t no ordinary blowjob.
22 What do you call a herd of cows masturbating? Beef strokin’ off.
23 What is the first thing a man puts in a woman when they get married? The wedding ring.
24 What’s the difference between kinky and perverted? Kinky is when you tickle your girlfriend with a feather, perverted is when you use the whole bird.
25 “I bet you can’t tell me something that will make me both happy and sad at the same time,” a husband says to his wife. She thinks about it for a moment and then responds, “Your penis is bigger than your brother’s.”
26 A woman walks out of the shower, winks at her boyfriend, and says, “Honey, I shaved myself down there. Do you know what that means?” The boyfriend says, “Yeah, it means the drain is clogged again.”
27 How do you make a pool table laugh? Tickle its balls.
28 If you were born in September, it’s pretty safe to assume that your parents started their new year with a bang.
29 A naked man broke into a church. The police chased him around and finally caught him by the organ.
30 What do tofu and dildos have in common? They are both meat substitutes.
31 Did you hear about the constipated accountant? He couldn’t budget, so he had to work it out with a paper and pencil.
32 How is playing bridge similar to sex? If you don’t have a good partner, you better have a good hand.
33 Why did the sperm cross the road? Because I put on the wrong sock this morning.
34 An old woman walked into a dentist’s office, took off all her clothes, and spread her legs. The dentist said, “I think you have the wrong room.” “You put in my husband’s teeth last week,” she replied. “Now you have to remove them.”
35 Let’s play carpenter! First, we’ll get hammered, then I’ll nail you.
36 What do you do when your cat’s dead? Play with the neighbor’s pussy instead.
37 How is life like toilet paper? You’re either on a roll or taking s*** from someone.
38 What is Moby Dick’s dad’s name? Papa Boner.
39 What do you call someone who refuses to fart in public? A private tutor.
40 What did the leper say to the sex worker? “Keep the tip.”
41 What do you call the lesbian version of a cock block? A beaver dam.
42 What do a penis and a Rubik’s Cube have in common? The more you play with it, the harder it gets.
43 What’s long, green, and smells like bacon? Kermit the Frog’s fingers.
44 What do you get when you jingle Santa’s balls? A white Christmas.
45 Why is diarrhea hereditary? It runs in your genes.
46 What did one butt cheek say to the other? “Together, we can stop this crap.”
47 A man and a woman started to have sex in the middle of a dark forest. After about 15 minutes, the man finally gets up and says, “Damn, I wish I had a flashlight!” The woman says, “Me too, you’ve been eating grass for the past ten minutes!”
48 What do you get when you cross a dick with a potato? A dictator.
49 My neighbor has been mad at his wife for sunbathing nude. I personally am on the fence.
50 What do you call an expert fisherman? A master baiter.
51 How can you tell if your husband is dead? The sex is the same, but you get to use the remote.
52 “I’d rather go through the pain of childbirth again than let you drill in my mouth,” the woman told her dentist. He replied, “Well, please make up your mind so I can adjust my chair.”
53 Why does it take 100 million sperm to fertilize one egg? Because they won’t stop to ask directions.
54 Let’s play Titanic, you’ll be the iceberg and I’ll go down.
55 What’s long, hard, and full of semen? A submarine!
56 What do you call a man who cries while he pleasures himself? A tearjerker.
57 What’s the difference between a tire and 365 used condoms? One is a Goodyear, and the other is a great year.
58 What do you call the useless piece of skin on a dick? The man.
59 What does the sign on an out-of-business brothel say? Beat it. We’re closed.
60 What’s the difference between a microwave and a woman? Men can push the microwave’s buttons and still turn it on.
61 They say that during sex you burn off as many calories as running eight miles. Who the hell runs eight miles in 30 seconds?
62 What do a nearsighted gynecologist and a puppy have in common? A wet nose.
63 Why did the sperm cross the road? Because I put on the wrong sock this morning. What do you do when your cat’s dead? Play with the neighbor’s pussy instead.
64 If you were born in September, it’s pretty safe to assume that your parents started their new year with a bang.
65 What does Pinocchio’s lover say to him? Lie to me! Lie to me!
66 What’s the difference between hungry and horny? Where you stick the cucumber.
67 What do you call an expert fisherman? A master baiter!
68 Why does Santa Claus have such a big sack? He only comes once a year.
69 What’s the difference between a genealogist and a gynecologist? A genealogist looks up the family tree, a gynecologist looks up the family bush.
70 Why can’t you hear rabbits making love? Because they have cotton balls.
71 If your Uncle Jack was on his roof, and he wanted you to help him down, would you help your Uncle Jack off?
72 Why do they say that eating yogurt and oysters will improve your sex life? Because if you’ll eat that stuff, you’ll eat anything.
73 What’s the difference between a pickpocket and a peeping tom? One snatches your watch. The other watches your snatch.
74 What do a nearsighted gynecologist and a puppy have in common? A wet nose.
75 How do you make your girlfriend scream during sex? Call and tell her about it.
76 What’s the difference between hungry and horny? Where you stick the cucumber.
77 Why isn’t there a pregnant Barbie doll? Ken came in another box.
78 What goes in hard and dry, but comes out soft and wet? Gum.
79 What’s the process of applying for a job at Hooters? They just give you a bra and say, “Here, fill this out.”
80 What’s the difference between a sex worker and a drug dealer? A sex worker could wash her crack and resell it.
81 How does a woman scare a gynecologist? By becoming a ventriloquist.
82 What’s the difference between your penis and a bonus check? Someone’s always willing to blow your bonus.
83 What’s the difference between an oral and a rectal thermometer? The taste.
84 What does the sign on an out-of-business brothel say? “Beat it. We’re closed.”
85 What does one saggy boob say to the other saggy boob? “If we don’t get some support, people will think we’re nuts.”
86 What do you call an anorexic woman with a yeast infection? A Quarter Pounder with Cheese.
87 What does a 75-year-old woman have between her breasts that a 25-year-old doesn’t? Her navel.
88 What does one saggy boob say to the other saggy boob? If we don’t get some support, people will think we’re nuts.
89 I’m always on top of important things. Would you like to be on the list?
90 Is there a mirror in your pants? Because I see myself in them.
91 What did the toaster say to the slice of bread? I want you inside me.
92 How much did you pay for those pants? Because you can get them 100% off at my place.
93 Is your name highway? Because I want to ride you all night long.
94 Are you a balloon? Because I want to blow you.
95 Do you have a switch? Because I want to turn you on.
96 Are you an elevator? Because I wanna go up and down on you.
97 What do you call a virgin laying in a waterbed? Cherry float!
98 What do you call a lesbian dinosaur? Lick-a-Lott-o-puss.
99 Are you from China? Cause I’m China get in those pants.
100 What’s the difference between “Ooh” and “Aah”? About three inches.
101 What did the hurricane say to the coconut tree? “Hold on to your nuts, this ain’t no ordinary blow job!”
102 What’s the difference between your boyfriend and a condom? Condoms have evolved: They’re not so thick and insensitive anymore.
103 What’s the difference between a G-spot and a golf ball? A guy will actually search for a golf ball.
104 Why does it take 100 million sperm to fertilize one egg? Because they won’t stop to ask for directions.
105 What did the guy say when he got caught masturbating to an optical illusion? “It’s not what it looks like.”
106 How do you embarrass an archaeologist? Give him a used tampon and ask him which period it came from.
107 What does the receptionist at a sperm bank say as clients leave? “Thanks for coming!”
108 What do you call a smiling Roman soldier with a piece of hair stuck between his front teeth? A glad-he-ate-her.
109 My wife caught me jerking off to an optical illusion. I said, “Babe, it’s not what it looks like!”
110 What does a robot do after a one-night stand? He nuts and bolts.
111 A nurse finds a rectal thermometer in her pocket and thinks: Some asshole has my pen.
112 “Did you see that barn down the road? I built that barn. Do they call me Barn-Raiser Johnson? No…” He downs another shot of whiskey.
113 “Did you see those storefronts on the main road in town? I built those. Do they call me Storefront Johnson? No…” He downs yet another shot of whiskey.
114 What gets longer when pulled, inserts in a hole, and works best when jerked? A seatbelt.
115 What did the banana say to the vibrator? “Why are you shaking? She’s going to eat me!”
116 What do you get when you cross human DNA with goat DNA? Kicked out of the petting zoo.
117 Have you heard about the new Viagra and prune juice diet? You can’t tell if you’re coming or going!
118 What did Cinderella do when she got to the ball? She gagged.
119 A friend told me he had an Oedipus Complex… I said, “Motherfucker, what’s wrong with you?”
120 What is the difference between a used tire and 365 used condoms? One is a Goodyear, one is a great year.
121 “I didn’t have sex at all, not a scrap til I was 67. And that was cos I’d no small change for the window cleaner.”
122 “Recently my girlfriend asked me if I was having sex behind her back and I replied, ‘Yes, who did you think it was?’”
123 “You never know where to look when eating a banana.”
124 “If they’re making cakes for divorces, why not ‘Happy Menopause!’ ‘Mmm, it’s a bit dry. Why is there no jam? Have you run out of eggs?’
125 “Looking at my penis, I find it endlessly fascinating. It’s 46 years old, my penis. 46! It’s older than the Sydney Opera House, my penis!”
126 “I accidentally filled the Escort with diesel. She died.”
127 “I’ve never laughed a woman in to bed, but I’ve laughed one out of bed many times.”
128 “People think I hate sex. I don’t. I just don’t like things that stop you from seeing the television properly.”
129 “I’ve got a boyfriend at the moment. Sometimes he’s there and sometimes he’s not. I prefer it when he’s not. Sex is a lot quicker.”
130 “I don’t like my boyfriend watching pornography. I do think it’s kind of a form of infidelity, because he’ll be imagining himself having sex with other women, and I don’t understand why he needs to watch it when I draw him such great vaginas.”
131 [On The Big Fat Quiz of the Year] “I’ve answered at tedious length. ‘Tedious Length’ is also my porn name.”
132 “I’m very old now and I’ve got a body like a dropped lasagne. Women now look at my naked body in the same fearful way that pensioners look at snow.”
133 “I thought Coq au Vin was love in a lorry.”
134 “Remember to never answer a phone during sex, even if you hilariously answer with, ‘I can’t talk now, I’m going into a tunnel.’”
135 “I went to the zoo to watch the monkeys w***ing. Then I went to watch the crocodiles. I was still w***ing.”
136 “Apparently, women need to feel loved to have sex and men need to have sex to feel loved, so the basic act of continuing the species requires a lie from one of you.”
137 “Sex is like playing Bridge – if you don’t have a good partner, you better have a good hand.”
138 “You should only have sex with a famous person if you really, really genuinely want to tell people about it afterwards.”
139 “The annoying thing about Christmas is running out of batteries because the kids want them for their toys. I’m sorry, but if Christmas is coming – so am I.”
140 “A Christian friend of mine said that sex between two men is wrong in their eyes. I said, ‘You’re right, it’s supposed to be up the bum!’”
141 “Las Vegas and Glasgow have a lot in common: they’re the only two places in the world where you can pay for sex with chips.”
142 What’s the difference between hungry and horny? Where you stick the cucumber.
143 What does a booger tell its true love? I’m stuck on you.
144 If a woman sleeps with 10 men she’s a slut, but if a man does it… He’s gay, definitely gay.
145 “One sex therapist claims that the most effective way to arouse your man is to spend 10 minutes licking his ears. Personally, I think it’s b***ocks.”
146 “What do you call a video of two toads having sex? Frogspawn.”
147 “I went to buy a Christmas tree. The guy goes, ‘So you can put it up yourself?’ I said, ‘No, I was thinking the living room.”
148 “I lost my virginity under a bridge. I was having sex with this poor girl and I was trying my best, but I was like Scotland at the World Cup – just happy to be there.”
149 “Not all sexual experiences have to be filled with anger. Just all in my experience.”
150 “Animals don’t watch porn do they? Unless you include my cat.”
151 “From what I understand about child birth, it changes you ‘downstairs’. I like my downstairs the way it is thank you very much. I certainly don’t need an extension.”
152 “Foreplay is like beefburgers – three minutes on each side.”
153 “Do I believe in safe sex? Of course I do. I have a handrail around the bed.”
154 “Better sexy and racy, than sexist and racist.”
155 “I’m going out with an English teacher, which is a bit awkward because she keeps correcting my grammar during sex. She’s particularly annoyed at my improper use of the colon.”
156 “If women are so bloody perfect at multitasking, how come they can’t have a headache and sex at the same time?”
157 “The thing I don’t get about paedophilia… Why the hell do kids find old men in dirty raincoats so sexy?”
158 Do you want to hear a joke about my vagina? Never mind. You’ll never get it!
159 My girlfriend asked me if I smoke after sex… I said I haven’t looked.
160 Sex on TV can’t hurt… unless you fall off.
161 69% of people find something dirty in every sentence.
162 Having sex in an elevator is wrong, on so many levels.
163 I just found an origami porn channel, but it’s paper view only.
164 Sex is like a burrito, don’t unwrap or that baby’s in your lap.
166 Life is like a penis: women make it hard for no reason.
168 A worm crawls out of a pile of spaghetti and says: “Damn, that was one hell of a gang bang!”
170 This may seem corny, but you make me really horny.
172 My mom thinks I`m gay, can you help me prove her wrong?
174 Your butt is nice but it would be nicer if it was on my lap.
176 Is that a mirror in your pocket? Cause I can see myself in your pants!
178 Which is easier? You getting into those tight pants or getting you out of them.
179 “Mummy, mummy, I’ve discovered how babies are made.
180 I saw daddy put his willy in your mouth last night.”
181 How is a woman’s privates like a warm toilet seat? It feels good but you wonder who was there before you.
182 His hair is a mess, his family is nuts, his next-door neighbor is a pussy, his best friend is a pussy, and his owner constantly beats him.
183 Why did Tigger stick his head in the toilet? To look for Pooh!
184 Why is sex like a bridge game? Because you don’t need a partner as long as you have a good hand.
185 My dad always used to say: “If your sex doll starts leaking, it’s not sick, it’s full.”.
186 How did the Burger King get the Dairy Queen pregnant? The Burger King forgot to wrap his Whopper.
187 A recent study has found that women who carry a little extra weight live longer than the men who mention it.
188 A man is being arrested by a female police officer, who informs him, “Anything you say can and will be held against you.” The man replies, “Boobs!”
189 If a guy remembers the color of your eyes after the first date, chances are… you have small boobs.
190 I saw six men kicking and punching the mother-in-law. My neighbour said ‘Are you going to help?’ I said ‘No, six should be enough.’
191 Life is like toilet paper, you’re either on a roll or taking shit from some asshole.
192 What’s worse than waking up at a party and finding a penis drawn on your face? Finding out it was traced.
193 Would masturbating while smoking weed be considered masturblazing, weedwhacking, or highjacking?
194 The only way you’ll ever get laid is if you crawl up a chicken’s ass and wait.
195 I wasn’t born with enough middle fingers to let you know how I feel about you.
196 What’s the difference between your wife and your job? After five years your job will still suck.
197 If sex is a pain in the ass, then you’re doing it wrong …
198 Did you hear about the guy who died of a Viagra overdose? They couldn’t close his casket.
199 Got an e-mail today from a “bored housewife 33, looking for some action!” I’ve sent her my ironing, that’ll keep her busy.
200 If a man talks dirty to a woman, that’s sexual harassment. If a woman talks dirty to a man, that’ll be $6.50 a minute.
201 My girlfriend came out of the shower and said “I shaved my pussy, you know what that means? I said “Yeah, the drain is clogged again.”
202 I bought a box of condoms earlier today. The cashier asked if I’d like a bag. I said “nah, I’ll just turn the lights off.”
203 If you really want to know about mistakes, you should ask your parents.
204 I asked my wife why she never blinked during foreplay. She said she didn’t have time.
205 If a woman sleeps with 10 men she’s a slut, but if a man does it… He’s gay, definitely gay.
206 Did you get those yoga pants on sale? Because at my house they’re 100% off,
207 Why are women like KFC? After you’ve finished with the thigh and breasts, all you have left is a greasy box to put your bone in.
208 Did you know that if you hold your ear up to a strangers leg you can actually hear them say “what the fuck are you doing?
209 Unexpected sex is a great way to be woken up… If you’re not in prison.
210 I was masturbating today and my hand fell asleep – that’s got to be the ultimate rejection.
211 Did you know that your body is made 70% of water? And now I’m thirsty.
212 Two ADV riders camping out in a tent. One of them crawls out to pee before bed. Comes back all wet. The other rider asks if it’s rainy outside. “No – it’s windy!”
213 Are you a Nice girl or Good girl?: NICE girls blush when they watch porn, GOOD girls smile cause they know they can do better.
214 If a man touches your boobs say “don’t” and if he touches your pussy say “stop”? Girl: But mom, he touched both so I said “don’t stop”.
215 The nurse at the sperm bank asked me if I’d like to masturbate in the cup. I said, “Well, I’m pretty good, but I don’t think I’m ready to compete just yet.”
216 My girlfriend tried to make me have sex on the hood of her Honda Civic. I refused. If I’m going to have sex, it’s going to be on my own Accord.
217 If your left leg was thanksgiving, and your right leg is Christmas, can I come visit you between the holidays?
218 If a fire-fighter’s business can go up in smoke, and a plumber’s business can go down the drain, can a hooker get laid off?
219 If 2 guys are having sex and the house catches on fire. Who gets out first, the guy on top or the guy on the bottom? The guy on the bottom cause he’s already got his shit packed.
220 Friends are like boobs. Some big,some small. Some real, some fake.
221 Men are like bank accounts. Without a lot of money, they don’t generate much interest.
222 Do you wanna play lion tamer? she asks: “What is that?” you say: It’s when you get on all fours and I put my head in your mouth.
223 Women are like swimming pools – they cost a great deal of money to maintain, considering the time you spend inside.
224 I was lonely because I had no women… until I met a man who had no hands.
225 When a woman breast feeds in public it’s called natural, but when I do it, the woman calls the cops.
226 How are husbands like lawn mowers? They’re hard to get started, they emit noxious odors, and half the time they don’t work.
227 If I was addicted to masturbation, and then became addicted to sex, would it be safe to say that my addiction got out of hand?
228 Father: Son, I have found a girl for you. She is Rupavati, Gunavati and Saraswati. Son: Papa, but I want someone else, And she is pregnant.
229 Did you hear about the guy who dipped his testicles in glitter? Pretty Nuts!
230 “Are girls called chicks because they produce eggs or because they love cocks”
231 “Baby: So u came on her breasts? Man: …It was an accident. Baby: I EAT FROM THOSE, BE MORE CONSIDERATE PHIL.”
232 Hi, I’m an astronaut, and my next mission is to explore Uranus
233 If I flip a coin, what do you reckon my chances are of getting head
234 Is your name winter? Because you’ll be coming soon.
235 Do you want to commit a sin for your next confessional?
236 I’m not into watching sunsets, but I’d love to see you go down
237 I wish I was your phone, so you’d be on me all day.
238 Are you the last air bender? ’cause I’d definitely like you bending for me.
239 Let’s leave only latex between our love.
240 Do you like Star Wars? Because Yoda is the only one for me!
241 I would definitely like to exchange bodily fluids with you.
242 You must be a magician, because every time I look at you, everyone disappears.
243 Somebody call the cops, because looking that good should be illegal!
244 We’re not socks, but we think it would be a great pair.
245 Fuck me if I’m wrong, but dinosaurs still exist right?
246 Is your father a preacher? because you are a blessing
247 I lost my keys… can I check your pants?
248 What do you yogurt, cereal and soup have in common? All the things I want to spoon.
249 Are you a trampoline? Because I want to bounce on you.
250 Let’s play Winnie the Pooh and stick my nose in the honey jar.
251 Are you an elevator? Because I’ll go up and down on you.
252 Hey! My name is Microsoft. Can I crash at your place tonight?
253 Can you tell me what time you’ll come back to my place, please?
254 I don’t think I want babies, but I wouldn’t mind refining my baby-making technique with you.
255 I think you’re suffering from a lack of vitamin me.
256 I would save every chair in the world for you to sit on my face.
257 That sweater looks amazing on you. I bet I would too!
258 Want to spin my dreidels?
259 Did you sit in a pile of sugar? ‘Cause you have a pretty sweet ass!
260 Kiss me if I’m wrong, but fish can fly, right?
261 If you’re feeling down, I can feel you up.
262 Is your name Google? Because you have everything I’ve been looking for.
263 Is your name Earl Grey? Because you look like a hot-tea!
264 I’m a mind reader and yes I will sleep with you.
265 Feel my shirt. It’s made of boyfriend material.
266 Your body is 80 percent water… and I’m thirsty.
267 The only reason I would kick you out of bed would be to f*ck you on the floor.
268 Did you just come out of the oven? You’re too hot to handle.
269 I’m an adventurer and I want to explore you.
270 That outfit would look great in a crumpled heap next to my bed
271 Your beauty blinded me; I want your name and phone number for insurance.
272 I licked it. So It’s mine.
273 You must be a magician, because every time I look at you, everyone disappears.
274 Give me your car keys so I can drive you crazy.
275 You look great right now. Do you know what else would look great on you? Me!
276 Let’s have breakfast together tomorrow; should I call you or poke you?
277 Can I borrow a kiss? I promise I’ll give it back.
278 I’m like Domino’s Pizza. If I don’t come in 30 minutes, the next one is free.
279 I’m new in town. Could you give me directions to your apartment?
280 I know three ways to make six inches disappear.
281 Is your daddy a drug dealer? Because I think you look dope.
282 The FBI wants to steal my penis. Can I hide it inside you?
283 Baby, if you were words on a page, you’d be fine print.
284 You got suspended because you drove all these men crazy?
285 Life without you is like a broken pencil… Meaningless.
286 I’m an astronaut and my next mission is to explore Uranus.
287 Are you a keyboard ? Because you are my type.
288 What’s the difference between a Ferrari and an erection? I don’t have a Ferrari.
289 Your ass is so tight I want to crack my nuts on it.
290 Are you a chicken farmer? Because you sure know how to raise a cock.
291 If I said you had a beautiful body, would you hold it against me?
292 I may not have gotten your virg*nity, but can I at least have the box it came in?
293 Can you do telekinesis? Because you’ve made a part of me move without even touching it.
294 If your left leg was Christmas and your right was Thanksgiving, could I visit between the holidays?
295 Do you work at Home Depot? Because you’re giving me wood.
296 Is your a** a library book. Because I want to check you out.
297 Do you have a map? I keep getting lost in your eyes.
298 Is it hot in here, or is it just you?
299 Are you a magician? Every time I look at you, everyone else disappears.
300 If you were a vegetable, you’d be a cutecumber.
301 I’m not a genie, but I can make your dreams come true.
302 Are you a bank loan? Because you got my interest.
303 I’m not a photographer, but I can definitely picture us together.
304 Are you a camera? Every time I look at you, I smile.
305 If you were a fruit, you’d be a fineapple.
306 Are you a beaver? ‘Cause damn, you’re a cutie.
307 Do you have a Band-Aid? I just scraped my knee falling for you.
308 If you were a transformer, you’d be Optimus Fine.
309 Do you have a sunburn or are you always this hot?
311 Are you a time traveler? ‘Cause I can’t imagine my future without you.
310 Excuse me, do you have a name or can I call you mine?
312 Aunty son! You have become so weak, why don’t you take anything? Me- Aunty! These are just tantrums of your daughter, Since when am I ready to take it?
313 “Bae: Come over. Me: But I’m a cactus. Bae: My parents aren’t home. Me:”
314 “Woman: Do you have any batteries? Clerk: Sure come this way (wiggles finger). Woman: If I could come that way, I wouldn’t need batteries.”
315 Girl: Don’t you be my cricketer for tonight Boy: What do you mean? Girl: Means play slow, don’t be out, And play helicopter in between.
316 “Woman: Do you have any batteries? Clerk: Sure come this way (wiggles finger). Woman: If I could come that way, I wouldn’t need batteries.”
“Sucking dick is nasty. First of all, I’m disgusting and [censored] is a work of art. I’ll [censored] until his soul is down my throat.”
“My doctor told me I’m low on vitamin ‘D’…So I need more D. I definitely need more D.”
319 This is why girls hate their first boyfriends more. Because that person breaks the seal along with the heart.
320 “Dr: Are you sexually active? Me: Haha big time. Dr: Like, with another person? Me: Oh, then no.”
321 What’s the best thing about gardening? Getting down and dirty with your hoes
“You flip her over for dogystyle and she arches her back like…So you look down like…Pathetic.”
322 Girlfriend: I want to kill someone long in my life. Pappu: Crazy you just hit your hand, it will automatically become tall.
323 “Your girl when she sees my Pokemon card collection.”
324 A boy’s tool was touching behind a girl in a packed bus. The girl slapped hard and said. Bastard has no place to stand on his own, Here and you have kept this also standing.
325 “When you give her a towel to clean up and she tries to hand it back to you: Yeah, well don’t touch me with it.”
326 “Hey, can you pass me the external hard drive? She wants the (D:).”
327 “How to tell if ur dog is involved in a sexual scandal.”
328 “I found this carrot in my roommate’s shower. Who the fuck eats carrots in the shower?”
329 You need experience to understand idiots Yu does not open her legs in the desire of two hours.!!
330 Want to know a proven way a man and woman can be friends without s3x? Marriage.
331 A small child suddenly went to his parents’ room. On reaching there, he shouted loudly and said, Suck whatever you want and you beat me for sucking your thumb.
334 Girl: Dear, what will you do if I get married to someone else? Boy: Motherfucker, I will fuck your sister
336 Once a woman took her husband to see the doctor. Woman: Doctor, he is very weak. Doctor: Give them milk. Woman: I feed everyday, But they drink less and suppress more.
337 “If you like it you lick it. Everybody knows that.”
338 “Sex is kind of like cooking. Everyone can do it, but not everyone can make it delicious.”
339 “Jesus loves you. I’m sure he says that to all the girls.”
340 “Just found out people in [porn don’t love each other.”
341 Girl: There is no one at home. come quickly Boy: You are crazy… Will you get me killed? girl: yes
342 “Life is so much funnier when you have a dirty mind. True story.”
343 When he wants you to do all the nasty things you sexted to him when you were bored and lonely
344 When she’s watching him go get the towel thinking to herself, “hmmm, maybe he is different than the rest.”
345 When he says Netflix and chill, but you walk in, and he ain’t even got a TV.
346 Pappu from wife on the first night of honeymoon, Sweetheart You didn’t have much problem at night, did you? No wife, I had a lot of fun,
347 When you shave everything and exfoliate your entire body for “What about tomorrow night?”
248 “Your memes are offensive and vulgar, I’m unfriending you. Me: Take this on your way out…”
349 The pain used to happen when I was in school. love has no destination sir Only those nights are beautiful in which I have sex.!
350 “When your mom out but she calls you while you beating your meat and you gotta make some shit up when she asks what you doing.
351 “My girlfriend wishes I could see things from her point of view. I agree.”
352 “Her: Name your fantasy and I’ll do it. Me: Ok so put duct tape over your mouth. Her: Ooo kiny, go on Me: And that’s it.”
353 Pappu got a job as a salesman at a ladies garment shop, A girl came over there and said show me the underwear. Pappu said shyly, did not wear it today.
354 Tillu: How many wives do you have? sheikh: six Tillu: Then you must be resting on Sundays. Sheikh: Wallah!
356 “NAOMI: Did you know my name spelled backward is ‘I MOAN’? That’s SO funny cuz I love moaning. LANA: I wonder what my name spelled backward is…”
357 “When he putting the condom on and you just waiting there like.”
358 “The secret to a successful marriage is to keep his stomach full and his balls empty.”
359 “Sex is all fun and games until someone has to sleep in the wet spot.”
360 “When she finally ur girl and the level of freaky she is doesn’t match the level of innocence u thought she was…”
361 Where is the comfort in the life of a laborer, sister-in-law comes on Sundays.
362 Teacher: Tell me why girls wear bra? Pappu: Because of science, Teacher: How is that? Pappu: Because science too…. accepts this,
363 “Sometimes you just gotta get straight to the point and let him know he gives you butterflies in your vagina.”
364 “When you’re spooning and she pushes her bum upon you and you’re like: You don’t want to wake the dragon do you.”
365 “When you suck in his meat but remember he was likin that bitche’s selfies.”
366 “I swear some people were conceived through anal sex because there’s no way being that much of an asshole is natural.”
367 Food items should be kept covered. Teacher: Motherfucker”……
369 Girl- don’t try to lie or else I will catch you. Boy- wao… then I will lie everyday and you will catch everyday. Girl – Motherfucker… I said I will catch your lie.
370 What do a good woman and a good bar have in common? Liquor in the front and poker in the back.
371 What do a boyfriend/girlfriend and a math test have in common? They’re both something we could cheat on.
372 I love dangerous sex, in fact, I masturbate with no hand.
373 Do you know what a Timberwolf is? No. Thats a guy that chases a girl up a tree and kisses her in between the limbs.
374 Please tell your tits to stop looking at my eyes.
375 Life is like a penis. Women make it hard for no reason.
376 Having sex in an elevator is wrong, on so many levels.
377 Your butt is nice but it would be nicer if it was on my lap.
378 Sex is like a burrito, don’t unwrap or that baby’s in your lap.
379 One day, a little boy wrote to Santa Clause, “Please send me a sister.” Santa Clause wrote him back, “Ok, send me your mother.”
380 A woman participating in a survey was asked how she felt about condoms. She said, “Depends what’s in it for me.”
381 Life is like toilet paper, you’re either on a roll or taking shit from some asshole.
382 The best way to make your wife scream during sex is to ring her up and tell her where you are.
383 Last week a girl asked me for sex. I had to disappoint her… so I said yes.
384 A family’s driving behind a garbage truck when a dildo flies out and thumps against the windshield. Embarrassed, and trying to spare her young son’s innocence, the mother turns around and says, “Don’t worry, dear. That was just an insect.” “Wow,” the boy replies. “I’m surprised it could get off the ground with a cock like that!”
385 I went to a meeting yesterday at my premature ejaculators’ support group. Turns out it’s tomorrow.
386 Google is a woman because it doesn’t let you finish a sentence before it makes suggestions.
387 I saw a dildo for sale described as “nine inches long and realistic.” I thought: Which is it?
388 My mom thinks I`m gay, can you help me prove her wrong?
389 An Australian kiss – the same as a French kiss, but down under.
390 My neighbour has been mad at his wife for sunbathing nude. I personally am on the fence.
391 “Give it to me! Give it to me!” she yelled. “I’m so wet, give it to me now!” She could scream all she wanted, but I was keeping the umbrella.
392 I was watching a really weird porno the other day, which was just a really fat man crying and w***ing at the same time. Then I realised I hadn’t turned the telly on.
393 A naked man broke into a church. The police chased him around and finally caught him by the organ.
394 I tried phone sex once, but the holes were too small.
395 A worm crawls out of a pile of spaghetti and says: “Damn, that was one hell of a gang bang!”
396 I’m not a weatherman, but you can expect a few more inches tonight.
397 Two deer walk out of a gay bar. One turns to the other and says: I can’t believe I blew fifty bucks in there.
398 I asked my wife why she never blinked during foreplay. She said she didn’t have time.
399 Why do women wear panties with flowers on them? In loving memory of all the faces that have been buried there.
400 Name something you can say during Game of Thrones and sex. The ending was disappointing.
401 Why is sex like math? You add a bed, subtract the clothes, divide the legs, and pray there’s no multiplying.
402 How is playing bridge similar to sex? If you don’t have a good partner, you better have a good hand.
403 “Give it to me! Give it to me!” she yelled. “I’m so wet, give it to me now!” She could scream all she wanted, but I was keeping the umbrella.
404 A woman walks out of the shower, winks at her boyfriend, and says, “Honey, I shaved myself down there. Do you know what that means?” The boyfriend says, “Yeah, it means the drain is clogged again.”
405 A naked man broke into a church. The police chased him around and finally caught him by the organ.
406 Did you hear about the constipated accountant? He couldn’t budget, so he had to work it out with a paper and pencil.
407 Who’s the most popular guy at the nudist colony? The one who can carry a cup of coffee in each hand and a dozen doughnuts.
408 I love my bed, but I’d rather be in yours
409 They say that kissing is a language of love, so would you mind starting a conversation with me?
410 I lost my keys… can I check your pants?
411 Let’s play carpenter! First, we’ll get hammered, then I’ll nail you.
412 I’m not a weatherman, but you can expect a few more inches tonight.
413 What did one saggy boob say to the other saggy boob? If we don’t get the proper support, people will think we’re nuts.
414 My girlfriend dressed up as a policewoman and told me I was under arrest on suspicion of being good in bed.
415 After two minutes she said all charges were being dropped due to a lack of evidence.
416 A woman walks into a bar and asks for a double entendre.
417 So the bartender gives her one.
418 I got a vasectomy but my girlfriend still got pregnant.
419 Apparently, all a vasectomy does is change the color of the baby.
420 My coworker is unable to attend next week’s innuendo seminar.
421 I have to fill her slot instead.
422 A guy goes to the supermarket one day. He’s doing his shopping when he notices an attractive young woman waving at him
423 A sad-looking man walks into a bar. He looks so down the bartender asks him, “Why the long face?”
424 The man replies dolefully, “I just found out my wife is sleeping with another man. I’ve decided I’m going to drink myself to death.”
425 The bartender is concerned to hear this and tells the man, “I’m sorry but I can’t help you kill yourself. I wouldn’t be able to live with myself.”
426 The man asks him, “Well what would you do in my situation?”
427 The bartender thinks for a moment and says, “Honestly, if I found out a guy was sleeping with my wife I wouldn’t sit around feeling sorry for myself or drinking myself to death, I’d kill the guy.”
428 The man leaps from his stool and shouts, “Hey, that’s a great idea! Thanks!” and runs out of the bar leaving the shocked bartender behind.
429 A couple hours later the man walks back into the bar with a smile on his face.
430 The bartender is nervous now. He’s afraid to ask but eventually says, “Did you kill the guy?”
431 The man says, “No, I slept with your wife! Whiskey please.”
432 Have you heard about the constipated accountant? He used paper and pencil to budget.
433 My sexual desires have been getting out of control…
434 But it wasn’t until I spanked a statue that I knew I’d hit rock bottom.
435 The other day I got pulled over by a cop. When he walked up, I pulled out my 9mm.
436 Once he stopped laughing, he wrote me up for indecent exposure.
437 My dentist reminded me about my wife’s sensitive gag reflex.
438 We laughed about it for a while.
439 Then I remembered me and my wife have different dentists.
440 After sex last night my new girlfriend snuggled up to me and said, “You know, you’re easily the biggest I’ve ever had.”
441 Apparently, “Ditto” wasn’t the correct response.
442 Why do Jews get circumcised?
443 Because Jewish women refuse to touch anything that’s not at least 10% off.
444 I had unprotected phone sex once.
445 Now I’ve got hearing aids.
446 I was talking to a feminist today when she told me about the “Dwayne Johnson Rule.”
447 I’d never heard of it before but apparently in order to determine if a particular comment is appropriate to say to a woman, you should first ask yourself, “Would I be comfortable saying this to Dwayne Johnson?” If not, don’t say it.
448 I thought this sounded like a great rule, so I told her, “Your chest is epic.”
449 I have bathed in the blood of virgins…
450 Well, I had a nosebleed in the shower.
451 My wife thinks our sex life is boring and I get distracted too easily …
452 Well, I guess I’d better get back to it.
453 A son says to his mother one day, “Mom, all the kids in the school are making fun of me because I’m still a virgin.”
454 His mother replied, “Well, start giving them bad grades and they’ll stop.”
455 I asked the doctor where I should put my pants during my prostate examination.
456 “Over there next to mine,” was not the answer I was expecting.
457 I asked a New Zealander friend of mine how many sexual partners he’d had.
458 A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening the front door.
459 In a panic and realizing there was no time for her lover to get away, she said, “Hurry, stand in the corner.”
460 He dis so and she quickly rubbed baby oil all over him and then dusted him with talcum powder.
461 Then she whispered to him, “Don’t move until I tell you to. Just shut your eyes and pretend you’re a statue.”
462 At that moment, her husband walked into the room. “What’s this, honey?” he asked.
463 “Oh, it’s just a statue,” she replied as nonchalantly as she could. “The Smiths bought one for their bedroom. I liked it so much, I got one for us too.”
464 No more was said about the statue, not even later that night when they went to sleep.
465 Then around three o’clock in the morning the husband got out of bed, went to the kitchen and came back with a sandwich and a glass of milk.
466 “Here,” he said to the statue, “eat something. I stood like an idiot at the Smiths’ for three days and nobody offered me so much as a glass of water.”
467 I think my coworkers must be gay.
468 Every time I walk past them, I hear them mutter, “What an ass.”
469 Ever since I installed Adblocker Plus things haven’t been going too well.
470 All of a sudden, girls in my area are no longer interested in me.
471 I lost my virginity so late…
472 That when it finally happened I wasn’t so much deflowered as deadheaded.
473 What does Bill Clinton say to Hillary after sex?
474 Can rude jokes be Dad jokes? We think these dirty funny jokes prove they can!
475 My girlfriend told me I’m her 32nd lover.
476 It turns out what she really meant was I’m her thirty second lover.
477 If your Uncle Jack was on his roof, and he wanted you to help him down…
478 Would you help your Uncle Jack off?
479 “Take them to the zoo they said. They’ll learn something new they said.”
480 A man and a woman were having sex in the middle of the forest at night. At the end of a 10-minute romping session, the man got up and said, ‘dang, I wish I carried a flashlight.’ The woman replied, ‘Yeah, me too coz you’ve been banging grass for the past 10 minutes.’
481 When a dick and potato are crossed, what do you get? A dictator
482 Is there a way to get the pool table to laugh? Yes, just coddle its balls.
483 How is a woman and a road alike? They both got manholes
484 How are men the same as diapers? They are full of crap but gladly disposable
485 What do a hooker and bungee jump have in common? Unfortunately, if the rubber breaks, you are obviously screwed.
486 What do mice and gay people have in common? They are both enemies of pussies
487 ‘‘Baby, is it in?’’ ‘‘Not yet.’’ ‘‘Does it hurt?’’ ‘‘A little.’’ ‘‘Let me push it in slowly.’’ ‘‘Still hurts?’’ ‘‘Yeah.’’ ‘‘Damn, let’s try another shoe.’’
488 “Why don’t scientists trust atoms? Because they make up everything!”
489 “What did one butt cheek say to the other? Together, we can stop this crap!”
490 “Why did the scarecrow win an award? Because he was outstanding in his field!”
491 “What do you call fake spaghetti? An impasta!”
492 “Why couldn’t the bicycle find its way home? It lost its bearings!”
493 “What’s brown and sticky? A stick.
494 “Why don’t oysters donate to charity? Because they are shellfish.”
495 “How does a penguin build its house? Igloos it together.”
496 “I wish you were a door so I could bang you all day.”
497 “Hello! Please come in, Bastards and bitches. Hang your condoms up here, my mom is upstairs rubbing shit on her face and my dad is downstairs fucking the chicken.”
498 “One night a policewoman pulls over a drunk driver. She politely asks him to step out of his car, and he willingly does. She says, “Anything you say can and will be held against you.” He replies, “Breasts.”
499 “Finding the door locked, he peeks in the keyhole and sees his father having sex with the nanny.”
500 “An old couple were laying in bed. The man turns and tells the woman, “If you want to have sex, pull on my dick once. If you don’t want to have sex, pull on my dick one hundred times.”
How to tell a dirty joke
Telling a dirty joke can be a delicate art, but with the right approach, it can also be downright hilarious. Here are some tips on how to deliver those naughty punchlines like a pro:
1. Timing is everything: Choose your moment wisely and make sure the atmosphere is relaxed and appropriate for adult humor.
2. Gauge your audience: Consider who you’re telling the joke to and adjust your delivery accordingly. What may fly with one group might not go over well with another.
3. Confidence is key: Delivering a dirty joke requires confidence and conviction. Embrace the risqué nature of the content and own it!
4. Use body language: Enhance your delivery by using gestures, facial expressions, or even props if appropriate. This adds an extra layer of comedy to the punchline.
5. Practice makes perfect: Rehearse your delivery beforehand to ensure you have impeccable timing and pacing.
Remember, telling a dirty joke should always be done in good fun and with respect for others’ boundaries. When executed skillfully, these jokes can bring people together in laughter while pushing social boundaries just enough to keep things interesting!
The benefits of telling dirty jokes
The benefits of telling dirty jokes are often overlooked, but they can actually serve a purpose beyond just making people laugh. For starters, these jokes have the power to break down barriers and create a sense of camaraderie among adults. They allow us to let loose and embrace our naughty side in a safe and non-threatening way.
Dirty jokes also provide an opportunity for stress relief. In our busy lives filled with responsibilities and obligations, laughter is like medicine for the soul. It releases endorphins that make us feel good and help us forget about our worries, even if it’s just for a moment.
Furthermore, sharing dirty jokes can improve social skills by encouraging conversation and creating connections with others. These jokes often rely on wordplay or clever innuendos, requiring some level of wit to understand them fully. By engaging in this type of humor, we enhance our ability to think quickly on our feet and respond creatively.
But perhaps one of the most significant benefits is that dirty jokes simply bring joy into people’s lives. Laughter has been shown to boost mood, strengthen relationships, increase resilience, and even improve overall health. So next time you’re feeling down or want to lighten up the atmosphere at a gathering of friends or colleagues – consider sharing a funny dirt joke!
Why Adults Need Dirty Jokes
Let’s face it, being an adult can be tough. We have responsibilities, bills to pay, and stress that seems to follow us everywhere we go. Sometimes, we just need a good laugh to lighten the mood and take our minds off of things. And what better way to do that than with some funny dirty jokes?
Dirty jokes provide adults with a much-needed escape from the seriousness of everyday life. They allow us to let loose and embrace our silly side without worrying about being proper or politically correct. These jokes give us permission to laugh at ourselves and the absurdities of human nature.
Not only do dirty jokes provide entertainment value, but they also serve as a form of social bonding among adults. Sharing these jokes with friends or colleagues can create a sense of camaraderie and shared laughter that helps strengthen relationships.
So next time you’re feeling overwhelmed by adulthood’s demands or simply need a good laugh – don’t hesitate to indulge in some funny dirty jokes! Let your inner child out for a moment and enjoy the comedic relief they provide. After all, laughter truly is the best medicine!
Dirty jokes for adults can serve as a light-hearted escape from the stresses of everyday life. They provide moments of laughter and entertainment that allow us to relax and let loose. Whether you’re sharing them with friends or enjoying a solo chuckle, these jokes have the power to brighten your day.
So go ahead, embrace your inner comedian and share a few funny dirty jokes with those who appreciate them. Just remember to keep it lighthearted, respectful, and most importantly – fun!
GTB Team is responsible for crafting outstanding content and ensuring the best user experience. Most of the Jokes, Quotes, Trivia Questions, Quizzes, Etc.. are produced by GTB Team.